How My Thinking About Libido Changed My Perspective on Friendship

I was stuffing my face this morning. Egg white omelet. Sourdough toast. Avocado.

Yes, I’m that kind of breakfast person.

I do annoy myself sometimes.

But as I was saying (er… typing?)…

I was eating breakfast this morning and very much into the moment of my meal. I make sure not to pick up my phone. I make sure to savor every bite, allowing the flavors and textures to swirl around my mouth ever so delightfully. Eating more slowly on purpose.

In essence, I was mindful eating.

And what happens when you mindful anything is that your mind actually does wander.

It starts to connect dots that “you” (you being your conscious brain, your ego) have been too busy to connect.

Eureka moments of clarity about this or that you didn’t even realize you were “thinking of” come to the surface.

So while I was mindful eating, something hit me.

Let me preface the following idea with some background.

I have a lot of what I would consider close friends.

I am very fortunate and damn lucky.

Even after long spells without seeing each other, me and each and every one of them can pick up where we left off as if we had just met for coffee yesterday.

But, there have been a few friends where the relationship maintaining, the reaching out, the planning, has felt very one-sided.

It seems, with a few friends of mine, that I am always the one checking in, setting up plans. Essentially, I’ve felt like I’ve been the one keeping things alive, while they enjoy just showing up where and when.

Sometimes I think (transiently, of course): “Maybe I should just stop reaching out? Why do I always have to be the one who initiates? I’m tired of…”

Yep. You see where I’m going with this.

This is what hit me today while I was mindfully eating breakfast:

What if, just like men and women have either spontaneous or receptive libidos (and anywhere on a spectrum in between at any given time)…

What if people are also spontaneous or receptive planners?

What if some people just don’t “think” to reach out because it’s not on the forefront of their mind—but when it is, BAM, they miss their friends?

What if their brain, just like when it comes to sex, just… works… differently?

And I always tell my patients or guy friends who complain about women with receptive desire not initiating: “What’s the ultimate goal? Sex and connection? Or just her initiating? Because you can’t fight nature—and may as well play along if you want to be happy.”

So with that in mind, this is how I now see it…

When it comes to friendships, I’m spontaneous. Almost all of the time.

And it may be helped by the fact that I have ample time freedom to think, to relax, to enjoy the outdoors—and it’s easy to think of friends in those moments and invite them to come with.

For others, like some of my friends, while they likely absolutely adore my company (I mean, hello, who wouldn’t)… they may be too caught up in the day-to-day circus that is their current life. They may not be in that spontaneous state of mind.

But when I text, WYD?

They are quick to answer, show up, and keep the friendship alive.

And that’s what really counts.

—PZ